Sex, lies, and knitting*

“Where are you off to this fine morning?” the barista asked.

“Knitting. Stitch and bitch with some friends” I said.

“Oh! So Zen and relaxing. Enjoy!”

I smiled and my third eye beamed beneficently, my inner yogi at peace as I floated my way to Saturday morning knitting. With my fair-trade coffee in an earth-friendly mug, I floated with effortless grace out the door. Ohm.

More like OhmFG. Where do people get these crazy ideas? Let me tear apart the lies you’ve been told.

Lie # 1 – Knitters are calm

Knitters are not calm. Knitters are psychopathic killers armed with sharp objects and the only thing keeping us from doing harm is the complicated pattern consuming our attention. Disturb at your peril. Watch the knitter. Listen. Did you hear muttering? That manic mumbling is no knitter’s rosary, let me tell you, although we may occasionally chant a few hail Mary’s to keep from stabbing the chair cushion – or you – in frustration because we miscounted the stitches in a lace pattern.

Lie #2 – Knitters are patient

No we’re not. We’re fidgeting balls of tension. We knit because we’re impatient, because we can’t sit still, because to do nothing while sitting is a sin, a waste of time. Knitting while watching TV is productive. Watching TV with idle hands is the devil’s work. My Methodist grandma from Iowa said so repeatedly, wielding a crochet hook as she scolded.

I’ve tried drinking and knitting to achieve knitter’s nirvana. Merrily I knit along, sipping a glass of well-chilled New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, blithely purling and knitting my heart out only to discover I’d exceeded the length required by six inches. I ripped while I was ripped, ripping mad.

Tell me if any of this sounds patient:

  • The time I shredded a pattern in front of my fellow bitchers, roaring in agony as I did so.
  • The time I unraveled a lace hat in a fury and gave it back to the universe via the garbage can.
  • The time I infamously shocked a 25 year old male knitter – Colin – who had infiltrated our group when a dozen stitches slid off my needle. Out of my mouth flew “Jesus, Mary, and fucking Joseph!” Which leads me to …

Lie #3 – All knitters are women, and Lie #4 – Knitting is boring

Colin was definitely male – good looking, too. “Colin”, I asked on his first day, “how did you get into knitting?”

“I have a dull job and I needed something to do.” he told me.

“Oh? What do you do?”

“I’m a DJ.”

“That doesn’t sound dull. Where do you work?”

“At a strip club.”

Silence. Knitting needles suspended in mid-air. Breathing stopped. All eyes on me. Then Colin. Then back to me.

“Ohhh? That’s a dull job?”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m a guy. We never get bored staring at a woman’s tits.”

I glanced around the table. Still no clacking of needles. I know I should have bristled at the word but, well, he was a 25 year old guy. It seemed normal.

“Uh huh. So, I still don’t get why the knitting?”

“Well, I just needed something to do. You see the same act over and over –  it’s predictable.”

He showed us a picture of his dj booth. On the table was his knitting and beside it, a crowbar. You see, he doubles as a bouncer. Oh, and did I mention he also introduces the dancers?

“Ladies, I said, we have before us a golden opportunity. We need stripper names. It’s a natural connection. Ripping and stripping.” There was some hesitation so I took the lead.

“Yarn names, gals. Textures, fibres, feelings. Work with me! Okay. How about this. I’ll be ‘Silken Joy’. Colin”, I said, “introduce me.” He obliged. The best part? I have it on video. When things get dull at home, I pull out a bath towel and have some fun. Then I sit down with my knitting and meditate.

Ohm.

*This is a Sue Redo from a previous blog.

 

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28 thoughts on “Sex, lies, and knitting*

  1. Cynthia Jobin November 29, 2015 / 6:10 pm

    You have blasted the ass of New Age knitting, Sue…. your words are true, and a whole lot of fun! (Of course I would never join a stitch-and-bitch club to begin with…. my being a knitter, but not a joiner…) Ohm yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Susanne November 30, 2015 / 6:40 am

      Apparently, knitting is quite trendy these days. At my husbands former place of employment (a high school) there is a thriving knitting club and at my work there is a regular group of knitters who meet in the lunch room. I’m but a coat-tail rider.

      Like

  2. exiledprospero November 29, 2015 / 6:32 pm

    I enjoyed this, Sue.

    And I agree about knitters not being so docile. Joseph Conrad agrees too:

    In the outer room the two women knitted black wool feverishly… Ave! Old knitter of black wool. Morituri te salutant. [Heart of Darkness]

    The Latin means: “They who are about to die salute you.” Placid isn’t exactly what comes to Conrad’s mind when he thinks of knitters!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Susanne November 30, 2015 / 6:41 am

      Knitting with black wool would make a body suicidal. I can’t even think about it without reaching for my knitting scissors.

      Like

  3. c2avilez November 29, 2015 / 7:22 pm

    This was great. Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

    Like

  4. Luanne November 29, 2015 / 9:37 pm

    I really needed this after my shitty Thanksgiving dinner the other day and a long boring weekend full of hubby’s pulled glut (glute?) and computer ISSUES. Thanks for the laughs!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Susanne November 30, 2015 / 6:45 am

      Was the dinner shitty because it wasn’t tasty or was it uncomfortable family dynamics? Ah, holidays. They can be fraught. Glutt (?) issues? Piriformis syndrome? I sympathize completely. Massage and physiotherapy help me and diligent following the rehab exercises prescribed. Sitting is the devil for glutt issues, too, so I set up my ironing board (it needed to be dusted first) layer on some coffee table books and put my laptop on top so I can alternate standing and sitting. It helps.

      Like

      • Luanne November 30, 2015 / 8:57 am

        Don’t mention massage because I don’t want to be the one doing it haha. Seriously, he does get a massage every couple of weeks, so they need to work on that. Hubby is not a big sitter, but he had been sitting for a long time paying bills (his least favorite thing to do) when it happened.
        The food was HORRIBLE. Everything went wrong. Just so wrong. I’ve never had that happen before for a holiday. In fact, it reminded us of a day that shall live in infamy in my kitchen: the day as a young cook I followed the recipe perfectly to create what turned out to be CHICKEN UPCHUCK. As then, it was only hubby and me for Thanksgiving. The kids are coming in two weeks. Thank goodness.

        Like

  5. J.B. Whitmore November 29, 2015 / 11:56 pm

    Our son took up knitting as a senior in high school. I’m not sure, but it might have been the straw that got him into Stanford. Guys and yarn. Something about it.

    Funny!

    Like

    • Susanne November 30, 2015 / 6:47 am

      That’s fascinating! I’m sure I read somewhere that troops in WWI were taught to knit so it isn’t as ludicrous as you might think at first.

      Like

  6. Bruce Goodman November 30, 2015 / 2:01 am

    I was in stitches! Thanks Sue. Sometimes I get muddled between French knots in embroidery and brick-laying. What the hell! It’s all creative…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Susanne November 30, 2015 / 6:47 am

      Yes, it certainly is creative but only one will give you a hernia. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • Susanne November 30, 2015 / 6:51 am

      As I said on the orange-mushroom post, watch for “Upper Dicker” to appear in a story. Maybe a cousin of Harry’s lives there….

      Liked by 1 person

  7. jbbluesman November 30, 2015 / 12:43 pm

    Really enjoyed this once again Sue, so funny! My brother Pierre knitted me a beautiful sweater with two Orca whales on it, his wife was really into it at the time I guess he decided to join in. Probably knitted while watching the Habs play! Although come to think of it that would be sacraligious in our family.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Susanne November 30, 2015 / 8:56 pm

      Thanks, Ellen. Knitting doesn’t always bring out the best in me but it makes for good stories.

      Like

    • Susanne November 30, 2015 / 8:57 pm

      I wish I knew the rest of the back story there. A male Texan knitter. yee haw!

      Like

  8. hilarycustancegreen December 13, 2015 / 2:54 am

    Such, such fun, this post! I read it late one night, but it got left in my inbox, so I have just come across it again. I knit solo in phases – some years on, some years off. My mother used to buy knitting machines. I gave the last one away, about ten years ago, to a research psychologist, whose tutor (male, I think) had persuaded all his students that knitting was good brain exercise. I’m sure it is; one way or another

    Like

    • Susanne December 13, 2015 / 11:53 am

      I’m glad you liked it, Hilary. I also have an on-again, off-again relationship with knitting. Right now I’m making lacy headbands for my daughters so I’m guaranteed to finish them in time for Christmas. My mom had a very elaborate knitting machine and that was her primary mode of knitting for the last 15 years of her life, custom-making sweaters for people in her community. I think it was good for her brain and I know it is good for me, even if for just learning self-control when it comes to my potty-mouth!

      Like

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